The things that plague my life

[FFGF]

A few years ago I met a girl, Xuan (Sw-an or Ducky if you're like me), we dated for three years loving and giving each other every second of my life, I gave her my love my virginity and everything good about my life, one random day in October she decides that she's done with me and leaves me in the dust. I was devastated, I had nobody to turn too because I soon found out that every friend I had ever accumulated I had left because they weren't important for me, I had nobody to turn to, so I turned to suicide and was unfortunately found before my brain had died.

Since then I have been anti-social always in the corner of everything which allowed me to think and think I did, every second of every day I was thinking, thinking about life and what I know is right in my life. One and a half years I was like this, never talking to anybody just me myself and I.

Almost a year ago I met this girl Amanda, we start talking and become friends, after a few months I realize I love her and I tell her which she then starts realizing that she feels almost the same for me, I give her some time and we soon become partners and after some time, 'wife and husband' and soon Life partners (Forever and always through anything, no matter what)

Tuesday Amanda was struck by a drunk driver going the opposite way on a highway, she suffered a few broken ribs where one had punctured her lungs and left her in dire conditions in the hospital. I showed up with this white teddy bear that we agreed was me because it was bigger and more stiff than the brown one she had which was very soft and flexible which described her perfectly. We had a short talk and before she made me leave for school tomorrow (today which is Wednesday) because she knows I can't skip any more days because everyday she was sick I skipped and went to her house and kept her company. She said she'd that if the surgery went okay she'd send me a text this morning.

That text never arrived, I figured it was because she was all drugged up because of the surgery. A few hours ago I get a text message from her phone that her father had sent,

FWD: To all who live in the area or are friends of Amanda, if you try to visit her you won't find her on the list, delete this number it is being shutdown -tom

I figured they just wanted their privacy because she did have a bit of friends and I guess they were all visiting; I soon receive another text from her father

FWD: She had no fighting chance, I am sorry for those finding out now, this is already difficult enough for us to keep telling people we wish you all well

All of my friends online are just leaving me alone, to grieve/mourn by myself, so I thought why not write this on the forum I frequent and maybe whoever reads it can give me some comfort and share their story. I'm sorry if this seems a bit rushed but i'm currently crushed and my mind is everywhere right now because I did just lose the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and would die for. I'm not thinking of suicide, been there done that, won't do it again most likely. The last thing I said to her "Please please come back, come back to me, your father, and your brother, come back us, the people who'd give you the world and our lives for your happiness, I love you so much my future wife please don't leave now" she then replied "I love you too my future husband, I'll try my best, I love you". If anything makes me happy is that I know her last days were fun, Saturday she went into a Halloween thing and came home to me giving her some heart felt words and to where she said "This is the happiest day of my life". Sunday I came over and we watched movies all day and gave each other so much love that we both felt such a deep love for each other. Monday she hurt her leg and I skipped and went to her house to keep her company. We engaged in an activity Sunday and Monday, and now it just feels so alien to me, I felt her beating heart and deep lustful breath hit me those days, and now she doesn't exist; it's as if I lost the person I am and now i'm just a shell.

This is the last picture I ever took of her.

[Adlersch]

Sorry for you pal, and I'd say I know how it is, but I don't. Hope things get better for you, but... Yeah.

Hope it felt better to get that off your chest here and at least put that out into the world instead of bottling it up.

[Torezu]

I'm truly sorry for your loss. I can share in the feeling of losing someone with no warning, and nothing can really prepare you for that. Go to your parents, and hers, and console each other as best you can. Life is always worth living.

A little over 5 years ago (almost to the day), I had a similar experience. I was out of college and living about 60 miles from my job, so I was already in bed when my wife got a phone call. Her dad, who happened to be my parents' pastor, was calling to say that my dad had been killed in a car accident. I had seen him, smiling and happy despite his near-total deafness and the trouble communicating that goes with that, less than 2 weeks before.

Later I learned that the man that had crossed the highway center lane and caused the 120mph collision was not only extremely drunk at the time, he wasn't a legal resident, and he had a driver's license, which he got from his country's consulate, that was 2 years out of date. He shouldn't have been on the road at all, let alone have had the job he was driving home from.

Fortunately, my dad no longer has to be concerned about life, as he is in perfect health and enjoying himself profoundly, I imagine. The rest of us still miss him, though. It gets better, but the pain of the loss never completely goes away. I encourage you to mourn as you need to - there's nothing wrong with that.

[FFGF]

-snip.

Yeah man, what sucks is that I can't even attend her funeral, her mother hates me so much and her father doesn't care enough about me to allow me.

-snip

Yeah, love isthe best things to happen in your life when you have it; but it's the worst thing to happen in your life when you lose it.

[freakachu]

at first I thought this post was going to be a lot different than it turned out. that is terrible, FFGF, and I'm very sorry for your loss. I'd say more but I am distinctly unqualified as I can only guess what you must be going through.

my deepest condolences go out to you and her family as you mourn her loss.

[FFGF]

-snip.

Yeah man, what sucks is that I can't even attend her funeral, her mother hates me so much and her father doesn't care enough about me to allow me.

-snip

Yeah, love isthe best things to happen in your life when you have it; but it's the worst thing to happen in your life when you lose it.

-snip

Thanks, it's going to be rough now, because i'm going to be alone again, after getting used to spending every second with her, I now have to life my life without another second with her.

[okamikk]

:isthein-sensitivethinghealsaysis: wow, what a tear jerker... probably shouldn't have had gotten kellered then, eh? also, why does her mum hate you?

[FFGF]

-snip.

Yeah man, what sucks is that I can't even attend her funeral, her mother hates me so much and her father doesn't care enough about me to allow me.

-snip

Yeah, love isthe best things to happen in your life when you have it; but it's the worst thing to happen in your life when you lose it.

-snip

Thanks, it's going to be rough now, because i'm going to be alone again, after getting used to spending every second with her, I now have to life my life without another second with her.

-snip

I wish to respect her mother's privacy, all I want to say is that she caught me giving love to her and since she hates her daughter (she actually says she does) she didn't want me making her happy so she can keep making her life miserable.

[okamikk]

Yeah man, what sucks is that I can't even attend her funeral, her mother hates me so much and her father doesn't care enough about me to allow me.

Yeah, love isthe best things to happen in your life when you have it; but it's the worst thing to happen in your life when you lose it.

Thanks, it's going to be rough now, because i'm going to be alone again, after getting used to spending every second with her, I now have to life my life without another second with her.

I wish to respect her mother's privacy, all I want to say is that she caught me giving love to her and since she hates her daughter (she actually says she does) she didn't want me making her happy so she can keep making her life miserable.

where'd your other post go?

[FFGF]

where'd your other post go?

I didn't want to clog up my thread too much, so I combined my first few responses so it looks nicer.

[Torezu]

I wish to respect her mother's privacy, all I want to say is that she caught me giving love to her and since she hates her daughter (she actually says she does) she didn't want me making her happy so she can keep making her life miserable.

Respecting her mother's privacy is one thing, being asked not to attend, or at least not being invited, to the funeral of someone you love is another. I'd say go anyway, pay your respects, and be as polite as possible to her parents. Don't expect trouble, but be prepared for it anyway.

:isthein-sensitivethinghealsaysis: wow, what a tear jerker... probably shouldn't have had gotten kellered then, eh? also, why does her mum hate you?

He's been kellered since before the forum changeover, and probably doesn't deserve it any more.

*EDIT: And FFGF is no longer a keller, courtesy of Cheap Shot. Now he just needs an avatar.

[Jorcer]

FFGF, I can't begin to understand what you are going through. I just wanted to post here to show that I have read this and even though I have never met you and can't comprehend what you are going through, my condolences to you, her family and everyone else affected by this tragedy.

EDIT:

*EDIT: And FFGF is no longer a keller, courtesy of Cheap Shot. Now he just needs an avatar.

Maybe Valkon could make him one

[Grindle2000]

I know how you feel when losing a Loved one, in my instance it was a son (I wont talk about its still to personal even after 20 years) but the only real advice i can give you is that life is worth living no matter how you feel.

Believe me i know what it is like to not see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore, but I promise you it is still there and you will see it again.

Please find someone you can talk with ( I distanced myself from everyone in my life and lost out on so much when I did) maybe try your local Church or see if there are any local grief outreach groups they can help you immensely.

[okamikk]

I know how you feel when losing a Loved one, in my instance it was a son (I wont talk about its still to personal even after 20 years) but the only real advice i can give you is that life is worth living no matter how you feel.

Believe me i know what it is like to not see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore, but I promise you it is still there and you will see it again.

Please find someone you can talk with ( I distanced myself from everyone in my life and lost out on so much when I did) maybe try your local Church or see if there are any local grief outreach groups they can help you immensely.

personally, I would never.recommend a church to anyone, there see enoughreligious.nuts running around a it is

EDIT: fuck it, editing on my phone is a pain in the scrotum, I give up

[Torezu]

personally, I would never.recommend a church to anyone, there see enoughreligious.nuts running around a it is

Then don't. Don't expect the people that have a belief not to talk about it when they believe they are giving good advice to help with grief, and someone asks for comfort.

[Hushful]

I am deeply sorry for your loss, and offer my condolences. I can not even begin to imagine what it's like to lose someone like that, much less have their parent treat you with such indignity. Go to the funeral anyway though. Don't let anyone stop you from mourning or doing what is right.

Also, Oka, this is not the place. Not cool.

[FFGF]

-snip

I just can't for her mother's sake and mine, I don't want to be the last time I see her is in a casket, I'd rather remember her in the hospital writing stuff on a white board to talk too me, rather than her pale lifeless body in a casket. And we kinda already said our goodbyes, I added it into the original post.

-snip

He can if he wants, but i'm going to use my favorite poem I had made for her a few days back as my avatar until I can decide what I want for it; if you want to read it I put a link in my profile.

[Jorcer]

He can if he wants, but i'm going to use my favorite poem I had made for her a few days back as my avatar until I can decide what I want for it; if you want to read it I put a link in my profile.

Very touching. I read it and I must admit I cried. It was very touching.

[FFGF]

Very touching. I read it and I must admit I cried. It was very touching.

If you take how you felt, multiply it by a hundred and that's how it felt when we were together and were saying loving things to one another.

[Nixsy]

I genuinely feel for your pain dude and although it must seem unbearable now it will ease a little with time. You had something so special and from your words that was true love, That is a lot dude and I think that some people spend a whole lifetime searching for the same thing. Try to let her live on in your memories and always hold those memories dear and close to your heart. Let them lift you when your feeling like this.

I wish you all my warmest sympathies in your time of loss.

[FFGF]

I genuinely feel for your pain dude and although it must seem unbearable now it will ease a little with time. You had something so special and from your words that was true love, That is a lot dude and I think that some people spend a whole lifetime searching for the same thing. Try to let her live on in your memories and always hold those memories dear and close to your heart. Let them lift you when your feeling like this.

I wish you all my warmest sympathies in your time of loss.

The hardest part, truthfully, is knowing that I'll never see her smile or blush ever again, and that we'll never snuggle again, I never cared for the 'making love' part, I cared for every second we spent together, because now that's all I wish for, just a few more seconds, just a little bit more time, it's all I want.